Staying Alive in 2K5
Last year this time i basically resolved to have no new year's resolutions. And it may be a completely unrelated effect, but overall, 2K4 pretty much frikkin ROCKED (even with all the near death and crisis - these things actually made my life more real, more honest and more precious). I think i am stickin with this strategy for 2K5. My motto 4 this year shall henceforth be - "Staying Alive in 2K5". Itz flash, suave and retro all at once. And it rhymes. Can't do better than that for a motto.
However, this last year I did end up following the good timeless ideas from my 2K4 Resolutions, Initial Draft. But as these are far more grand and reaching than simple resolutions, i think i shall call them "New Year's REVOLUTIONS" and reiterate them yearly.
Hell yah, there'll be no half-steppin over here at Dry, inc, mon amis. Show them my motto.
Things That Rox
- Teammates who make you laugh until you nearly piss your pants
- Bosses you can be real with, and who:
- compensate and incentive-ize you handsomely
- give you ownership and input in the firm's future
- make you laugh until you nearly piss your pants
- Exciting work that challenges but interests you so much that you:
- don't notice the 20 hr days
- exceed your own expectations
- forget to blog
- The realization that you finally have a career, and not just a job
Happy
Ukrainian elections, Boxing Day and Pwylla's birthday.
Flash RAM
Like any halfway intelligent reasonable person ive had some form of therapy. My therapist and i, we used to laugh,
b/c itz true - she never kept good notes. I actually got to read my file later when i asked.
And the checked boxes and DSM ratings are there strictly for insurance filing purposes, i noodged. Of course she smirked, like, b/c she knew it drove me frikkin crzy to be at all categorizeable. Avoidant, phobic and depressive she'd checked, but no suicidal ideation - i told her that suprised me, and she said (which was true) that i never really wanted to die - rather, i just wanted to get the fuck over it already and move on. Distinct difference, which she was the first one really seemed to understand it. You're just melodramatic, not suicidal, she told me.
I was disappointed nonetheless, that i didnt make the cut for manic-depressive, being above average with the twitchiness at that time. But realize now that 'anxiety' isn't 'mania', no matter how much a happy spin i wished i could put on it. And besides, those m/d peeps end up stuck on a lifetime of lithium and ride the verge of schizoid disassociation pretty much constantly, so in the end i got the best deal really.
Sadly, my borderline personality issues also weren't strong enuf to be classic DSM material. Upon review, all of my disassociative properties were largely a coping mechanism - not for any real trauma (in my opinion) but rather for a form of hypersensitive boredom, or perhaps a holden-caulfield-esque laziness. And all. Effects of a teenage insomnia/neurosis, likely borne of equal parts genetics, hormones, sex/drugs/alcohol, and a brain that refused to chill the fuck out from rehearsing all the potential negative realities very possibly occurring right now, at any given moment... And of course, all the fucking phonies...
She is one of a handful who liked me or were amused enuf by me to deal with the drama. You just remember too much, she'd told me once. Shit wired too titely together, out of some overwhelming belief that sooner or later it would all hit the fan, other shoe would drop, wheels would come off, catch fire, ex/im-plode, wake up in some jail or street gutter in tijuania w/o identification or dinero. Gotta learn to let some shit go.
years ago, in our beginning -
sam-i told me once
his philosophy, his practice -
how he must occasionally at any time
(but especially when shitz going well in his life)
think to himself:
what if, right now at this moment, it's all gone?
my house/apt/clothes/life/love/car/friends/any/every/one/thing
just bam
on fire, stolen, dead, broke, lost
gone?
and what would i do then?
how he does this over and over again
until he can answer...
give thanks,
and
move on.
Rainy, Cold Friday Night Commute
To the tall guy with the duffel bag and overstuffed backpack at the M14 stop at Union Square: the next time you push someone out of your way to get in front of them in the line trying to get on the bus - why even bother to say "excuse me"?
Things 2 Do When I Get Up In 3 Hours
At this point i am sure there is a fungus eating my brain. I've had a headache for the last 3 days, undeterred by mass amounts of vitamin C and Ibu. We are most likely into sinus infection territory, but doc says keep hydrated until i can see her next Tuesday. So between now and then. Four workstreams and 3 projects continue regardless. No longer feverish, but too tired to fight exhaustion anymore. Will nap, then:
- Finish draft of bus plan for PN offering
- Update concept deck for PN offering
- Finish email to client with prop points on three different opportunities
- Cull together POV doc on internal CoPs
- Get ready for 10 am with client
- Prepare to facilitate gnarly session with client on Thurs
Space 4 Rent
Shaun-0's gone back to Austin, and i miss him. Whatz interesting about hanging out with a good friend that you've known for more than half your life is just how easy and comfortable it is. He stayed 10 days and it only seemed like three or so. I get tired of most people after about an hour. But i miss Shaun-0, who:
- always introduces me to the coolest new books, movies, music and fountain pens
- brings me glenfiddich and buys me too many mojitos or bloody mary's
- gives me mont blanc briefcases and gucchi purses
- does all the dishes right after getting out of bed before he's too awake to say "fuck it"
- treats me like a goddess
Now, I suck. I can't navigate for shit - on Grand Theft Auto, i can't even WALK my little guy around - I always run into walls and get stuck in corners. Last time i played, the car i was supposed to steal was across a park from where my avatar was. I kept getting stuck in the damn trees. Finally i turned him around and just stole a different car. Which i promptly ran down a sidewalk and got stuck between two buildings. Took out a couple peds in the process too.